Thursday, June 11, 2009

European Living - Shopping Split

Look at that,” I encouraged my wife as we sat quietly eating our food court lunch. I slowly, in disgust, lowered my interesting Texican Whopper, complete with a spicy sauce and some sort of fried bean hash brown creation. As she looked, Nina put down her fork, trying to keep a cold piece of corn from shooting across the heavily trafficked floor. The food wasn't the problem. The sight was. In fact, the brief glance was almost enough to ruin the meal for the both of us. Frightening. Vomitous. Not to mention blinding. The terror in question was neither the first nor the last unsolicited view of “shopping split.”

Succinctly stated, shopping split is my name for the female version of carpenter's crack – only more severe. It occurs most frequently at malls, grocery stores, cafes, and open air markets. Its victims are mostly vain, plump, and precariously unaware of their surroundings. They most likely have hair color from a bottle, and the majority of shopping split cases are reported as a result of the combination of denim and high heels than any other fashion mixture known to man.

For those of you who just landed on planet earth, according to an urban dictionary website, carpenter's crack (aka plumber's smile or coin slot) is, “a view of the top of the buttocks and gluteal cleft while a man's pants descend due to bending over (because it frequently happens to overweight carpenters, plumbers, etc.)”

This particular case was an egregious one. Because I don't always carry a tape measure with me, the conservative, naked eye estimate had to suffice and amounted to an easy five, if not six inches. More disturbing than that was the lack of evidence of any undergarments, thus blowing the door wide open for a myriad of hygiene related snags. Thankfully, this occurrence was not accompanied by the hideous tramp stamp marking.

Shopping split in Portugal is an ever growing epidemic. Nearly all the ladies here seem to wear a size 6 when they should just buy an 8. The problem accelerates with hip huggers and fabric thrifty blouse designers. European tailors are continually making the area from the crotch to the belt line smaller and smaller in both men's and women's pants, while the shirttail has all but become extinct.

So, Senhora Shopping Split continued eating, being refreshed by the cool breeze on her backside. Slightly frustrated and bizarrely curious, I asked my modest wife, “Does she not know? Can she not feel that?” Others were beginning to take notice also as heads turned and nods increased. Oblivious to the half moon she was shining to anyone walking by, yet keen to the whispers and funny looks that increased, Mrs. Moonie's ears must have been on fire.

In the end, she decided to do something about it. She treated the symptoms rather than the problem, and she did so mainly because that was all that she could do at that moment. However, I fear that she, along with so many others, will remain in denial and live with shopping split forever.

The incident ended quietly yet defiantly when she stood to her feet, grabbed the belt loop located at 6 o'clock on the waistband, and heaved (much more than ho'd). She successfully, although momentarily closed the crack while managing to lift herself ever so slightly from the earth. Crisis diverted. Case closed...until her daughter drops her toy in the parking deck.

Written by my favorite guest blogger. Tell you guys ever see Shopping Split? Or maybe you're a proud wearer? One just about has to walk around the malls looking at the ceiling if you don't want to see every present females backside. Please explain this phenomenon to me.


Mom said...

Thats European living!

Cathy said...

This is hysterical. I've never heard it called shoppers split. Too funny. I had to link this to my post to send everyone over there. Thanks for the laugh.

Jen Price said...

Sounds like a not so nice sight when you're eating! Hope you don't have to go to counseling for that one!

Janice: AKA Nanny said...

I have not seen shop splitting but I don't go to malls. My favorite hunting ground is WalMart. I do see the males wearing their jeans around their thighs while their boxers are proudly displayed over their backside. This creates a rather interesting gait designed to keep the pants from pooling around the ankles. The top and bottom edges of females' blouses are trying despirately to meet in the middle leaving the upper organs precariously held in check while the belly is proudly displayed, for what reason I have yet to determine. I will be watching for the shop splitting phenomenon which probably will be coming soon to a WalMart near me.

The Hat Chick said...

I most often see the dental floss thong protruding from the tops of jeans. Most of these chicks have the tramp stamp. I wonder if they know or care?

Anonymous said...

This is SO FUNNY! I love it.

I was out recently with my son and this woman was practically mooning us. He elbowed me in the side and nodded his head over. I'd already seen it and was just waiting.

Waistbands definitely need to go higher!!!

Just for the record, this problem has nothing to do with women who sport hair colors from a bottle. ;-)


Oh, I'm tweeting this post for you....

Betty said...

Oh yes! We have this here too. What is even worse is when it´s in front of you in church!!!

Merryheart said...

Hilarious! Didn't know your hubby was such a great writer too! I too have seen that "shopping split," and "fabric thrifty" blouses--in church! And another associated phenomenon here: bulbous belly displays. Not good for one's appetite!

I am linking to your blog and twittering it--


Rob and Deanna said...

LOL :-) This article was so Funny & Frustratingly real! I agree it is Disgusting & very annoying. My husband is a custom home contractor & one woman of the home in a past job constantly wore the hip hugger/low rider pants with
B_ _ _ "Floss" (thongs), so every time she bent over the guys got a full view. :-/

Gayle said...

That is hillarious! I was at a convention and a lady sat in front of me and I had to look at that the whole session. I love the name Shoppers Split:)

Unknown said...

I paused on the Texican burger and was happily reminicing my last feast on one, when I continued to read getting abit nausious as I did so. I guess we live amongst it too much and I can visualize it in a graphic way. Absolutely a dressing fad here! Not to mention the belly button rings dazzling in the sun!!!
I would laugh out loud if it wasn´t so true or so disturbing to those who have to live with this "shopping split" as you have titled it! That a funny name!